god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I AM VODKA MAN
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
