Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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