she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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