I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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