I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
