Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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