dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
