Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
