We need to start having sex underwater more often.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
