I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
