Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
