I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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