You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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