i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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