I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
