dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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