we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
