$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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