i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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