I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
