my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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