I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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