Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Ladies don't puke and tell
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
