You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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