so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
