My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
