I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
