She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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