All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
