My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Farmville is her only friend.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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