I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
