Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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