he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
