i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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