The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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