The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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