The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration