i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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