I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
