If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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