Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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