I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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