My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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