Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
