Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She told me I should be a condom model.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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