You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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