You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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