Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
