We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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