I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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