On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
