Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
