Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
