my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
