I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
